so i'm totally not gonna have a birthday party bbq this sunday like i said i was going to. not that it really matters so much, but, i just don't feel like it at this point. fuck my birthday. getting old sucks anyways. there's other stuff to do this weekend. peelander z friday night at the parkside, party in the dogpatch saturday night, pops sunday daytime drinking. then it's back to work before you know it!

this week has really been the worst in recent memory. maybe the worst ever. maybe you cannot see this, cause i don't like to bring people down so much, but it's been really hard. and the easiest thing for me to do is pretend like nothing is wrong. i'm sorry if i don't have much patience for certain things right now. i lost my best friend and i'm pretty sure it hasn't really hit me yet. i still feel weird about closing my bedroom door all the way in case he wants to get out. i haven't gotten rid of his food or water yet. i wish terrence was here.

i wish i would have known that when i put buford in his carrier, that was the last time i was going to hold him or even see him really. there's so much more i want to say, but i don't want to bum anyone out. there's thing i can't even say because they are just too sad. i really feel traumatized. i know, that sounds dramatic. and if you know me at all, you know i am not really a dramatic person. but, i just don't feel right anymore. maybe this is a good thing or something, it's been a long time since i have felt any emotion about anything. maybe this is the start of me feeling things again. god, i kinda hope it's not though.